too many posts.

I realised tonight that my biggest regret is the way I have treated my teeth. I eat so much candy and rarely brushed them and now they hurt whenever I eat anything. I’m too scared of the dentist and his bill though, maybe I should just get falseys.

I can’t handle this heat either its killing me. It has done nothing but increase my insomnia and its not even summer yet. I am averaging 3-5 hours sleep a night. I’m not physically tired but its like Chuck explains “when you have insomnia you’re never really awake and you’re never really asleep” I feel like a zombie most of the time. Every sound I hear is warped.

guidelines from one tree hill.

Okay, here’s the thing. We are not dating, we are not going out, we are nothing. I am not your wife, your shrink, your mommy. There’s no romance and no crappy poetry. No PDA and no spooning. This is purely physical. If we have sex, it’s gonna be safe sex. We’re friends with benefits, and in fact, we don’t even need to talk.

high all the time.

It must be the ganja.

hard to please.

If I am ever to have another girlfriend she must meet at least 90% of the below criteria.
Croatian, catholic, likes scary movies, likes sex, likes reading but not a nerd, listens to good music, likes lyrics, semi asian, pleasant but not a flirt, not sheltered, basketball fan, banging, likes the peninsula, independent but not a slut,  likes doing nothing, likes eating out, enjoys going to the cinema, likes tattoos, shorter than me, likes wearing heels, has money but doesn’t let it consume their entire life, likes One Tree Hill and other poor quality American sitcoms, likes drinking but isn’t a disgusting drunk, likes rap music, will come to Japan with me, a good cook, cultured, doesn’t spend too much time on the internet and doesn’t talk like an american socialite brat.

Far – fetched much?

wasn’t a blast for me, it was blasphemy.

Central.

Good things.

Cenral Australia roadtrip.
Thailand.
50 hours of tattooing.
The Ravens.
The bung.
New tv.
Adelaide mini tour.
Days off.
Sleep.
Hot weather.
Singlets.
Girls.
$$$.

Enjoyment.

I like that you read this.
I like that feeling when you’re not sure if they are into it as much as you are but you’re still keen.
I like the chase.
I like being rich.
I like feeling happy.
I like having two days off.
I like that I’m going on tour soon.
I like cookie cake.
I like grinding. In fact I miss it.
I like Robbie Williams.
I like my job.
I like hanging out.
I like life.

Blast.

A few years ago my about me was something along the lines of.

I like Cal. He likes NFG.
I like grinding.
I like green apples.
I’m probably don’t like you.

I can’t remember the rest but I miss those days.

shock.

I don’t even know what to say.

fresh.

Where to start?

Ayres Rock
Japan
Croatia
New TV
Save
Christmas shopping

dream vs scream.

I will be okay.
I will be positive.
Thank you.
No hate, no anger.
No regrets, they don’t work.
I love maturity.
I haven’t lost faith.
I am hurt, but I will be okay.

Is this chapter finished?

I feel like my life is a choose your own adventure book and I hate them. Somebody write my story for me and I’ll go along with the flow. It’s easier that way.

I’m waiting for my real life to begin.

I’m not happy, I am more depressed. I am starting to slide into old habits. I am failing at most things. My work has slipped and I haven’t touched my school work in months. I am slowly turning into my father. I feel like I have a curse handed down my family I always say that I didn’t get it but I think I did. I am not happy. I am worried about the future. I don’t know where I am going and I don’t know who is coming along with me. I have major problems with letting go. I have issues with death. I am having a mid life crisis at the age of 21, I am too young to feel this old. I can’t talk in a crowd, when I’m alone I’m too loud. I just want to be happy but I don’t know what it involves. I don’t know how to solve my problems and I don’t know how to deal with them. I have too many regrets, I’ve smoked too many cigarettes. I want to get away, but I’m homesick before I leave. I don’t know which way to turn. The fork I am facing has too many prongs. I don’t know which road to take. I need guidance, but I don’t want it. I need help, but I don’t want it. Shouldn’t need anyone, just scared of being alone. I am drifting. I am sick of people of having expectations of me. People waiting for me to change into something else, this is it, this is my prime. “We aren’t giving you this till you change” – get fucked. I am not going to get any better and that’s what worries me. I don’t think I can be what people expect me to be. I am stuck in a rut. I burnt the bridges you built for me, I burnt the bridges I built for myself. I let people down too much. They don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve them. I am not a good person. I wonder if died would tears come to their eyes? I feel like giving up, my thoughts are the enemy, my expectations of life and myself will consume me. I am completely over everything. Runaways. I wish I made better choices, I wish I said different things. Nothing is going to change. If life was war I would be that guy wounded telling you to go on without me. I will lay here and wait for the end. This is the end, my only friend the end. I am not well.  I’m waiting for my real life to being.

recent times.

- up for another promotion.
- tired.
- failing.
- ravens.
- Keira.
- counting down.
- excited.
- looking forward to summer.

Good Vibrations.

The Killers
Salt N Pepa
Gossip
Busta Rhymes
Naughty By Nature
Art Vs Science
Gym Class Heroes

make me pure.

Some will sing a song
To reel ‘em in
It’s a song I sung before
And a song I’m gonna sing again
I mean every word
I don’t mean a single one of them
Oh Lord, make me pure
- but not yet

Tell a joke
Tell it twice
If noone else is laughing there why am i
I split myself both times and laugh till i cry
Oh Lord, please make me pure
- but not yet

I don’t have to try
I just dial it in
I’ve never found a job that for me was worth bothering
I got a ton of selfish genes and lazy bones
Beneath this skin
Oh Lord, make me pure
- but not yet

Smoking kills
Sex sells
I’ve got one hand in my pocket but the other one looks cool as hell
I know I’m gonna die so my revenge is living well
Oh Lord, make me pure
- but not yet

I stopped praying
So I hope this song will do
I wrote it all for you
I’m not perfect but you don’t mind that, do you?
I know you’re there to pull me through, aren’t you?

So I look for love
I like the search
And I’ll be standing for election all across the known universe
Let every president get the country she deserves
Oh Lord, make me pure
- but not yet

And I’ve been seeing
Somebody’s wife
She said she’d leave him for me and I said that wasn’t wise
You can’t lie to a liar because of all lies
Oh Lord, please make me pure
- not yet

bong su.

together.

things.

Things I have time for this week.
- basketball.
- tour.
- my girlfriend.
- novotel on collins.
- melbourne zoo.
- dressing up and watching people get married.

Things I don’t have time for ever.
- fat red heads with shit hair cuts talking shit.
- small men with shit tattoos that run there mouth.
- people that take friendly basketball too serious.

I had a massive rant to write but I don’t want to make life harder for people that I like. Sheltered small town people are the worst.

would this be gay on my wall?

cry, cry, cry.

people.

1. You can’t not like me, I didn’t like you first. You don’t deserve her.

2. Why you being nice to me? I thought we hated each other.

3. Get over yourself. I even have dreams of beating you up. Stop lying.

4. Really? Taking it that seriously? Come on.

22 days, 10 hours, 59 minutes and 5 seconds.

nba.com

Gold.

Went to Ballarat for a couple of nights last week, was good.

To him – you’re great, proud of the new you.
To her – didn’t really know the old you but the new you is good.
To them – you’re perfect for one another.

*I had another conversation like the above here but I thought it was too harsh to the people I was writing it to but by writing this explanation people will know who and what I am talking about and get the message but won’t feel the harshness of the comments.

It was mine and Keira’s one year on Saturday.  We saw each other for about 20 minutes in the morning before I had to go to work and she had to get back on the train to get home in time for work. We have postponed our celebrations to a time where it suits. Staying in the Novotel in the city in a couple of weeks after the first show of the No Way Out tour and the Wedding.

Also if anyone with fashion sense reads this tell me what colour tie I should wear with grey pants and a white shirt.

Beware of UFO’s.

Yesterday at work a mate that I haven’t seen for four years bumped into me. The last time I saw him was the night before he moved to Perth. Turned out he is now married, yesterday was his one year. It was a crazy blast from the past. His little brother who was in the same year as me is now expecting a child. Got me thinking when my mum was my age she was married with a kid and owned a business. I’m not really doing much.

viewing.

Why has my blog views per day suddenly jumped up to around 200?

Ian.

A friend of mine drew this and I think it deserves some more appreciation.

really?

I didn’t think you were that stupid.
You didn’t even try to hide it was you.

The kids.

I wish I wasn’t such a fuckhead when we met and learnt my lesson earlier. Thoughts are still with you mate.

Ally.

Some words for the asian.

Move units then talk shit and we can do this. Till then I ain’t even speaking your name, just keep my name out of your mouth and we can keep it the same.

The first cut is the deepest.

What the fuck is your problem?
Been out of my life for years now you make an appearance as an enemy. Get the fuck out or better yet get me the fuck out.

always.

Twenty-six years and, seems like i’ve just begun,
to understand my, my intimate is no one.

09/10

internet.

I wish I didn’t use it as much as I did.
I wish I didn’t use my mobile phone as much as I do.
I wish I just had an old Nokia 3310 and only received one or two calls a week.
I wish I hung outside more than I do.
I wish instead of shopping malls I hung outside.

wow.

new music.

- Brand New
- AFI
- Raised Fist
- Rise and Fall
- Dizzee Rascal
- Sigur Ros
- Stevie Wonder
- Ice Cube
- Jay Z

Too many new CD’s lately they aren’t all getting the rotation they deserve.

Always us against the world.

Today I was driving my family to basketball and I made a turn after looking unfortunatley I didn’t see the car and we almost had a crash. This was my fault. The lady that I almost hit stopped her car and mouthed off at me as I raised my hand and apologised. She continued to yell and block all traffic my mother wound down the window and said “OK, he didn’t see you, sorry let’s move on” her son then decided to get out of the car and stare at me. This is where it went to far. He doesn’t know how crazy I could be or if I had a gun under my seat. Why would he put himself in that position? It seems to be more and more current where people are being bashed and seriously injured over trivial things. I believe it’s because people are getting involved where they shouldn’t be. This case the woman driving was right to be angry but she should have moved on instead of esculating the situation. Another similar situation was one time I had a car full of people and I was driving. I went through a give way sign and a lady driving her son cut me off an parked in front of me so I couldn’t get passed and abused me saying I was dangerous. This is all in Frankston we could have been 5 junkies. Why would she do that? Gone are the days where people quietly observed and went home to write a thumbs down opinion to their local paper. Last story whichi repeat once a month to people is about a 17 year old who stabbed a 40 year old because the old man had a dig for the child wearing his pants low. Be safe. Don’t get involved in other peoples affairs. It might kill you.

I gots a big ego.

I got a big ego, (hahaha)
I’m such a big ego, (hahaha)
I got a big, (hahaha), Ego,
She love my big, (hahaha), Ego,
So stroke my big, (hahaha), Ego,
I like to joke around a little bit but here we go,
Welcome to the wonderful world,
Of go play the earl coz,
Everything I throw up, blow up,
Talking to the girl,
She said, know what, grow up,
You nasty,
I don’t understand why they trippin’,
If you ask me,
Flow is just as nice as,
I admit the propane,
I just spit, probably,
Just raise the gas prices,
Everybody in the club,
Try and get as fresh as me,
What you want dog,
Trying to stay recession free,
And spit, refreshly,
When I rock the stadium,
You probably get sweaty,
You should bring a extra tee,
Now I’m standing next to Jay,
Who standing next to B,
You coulda been anywhere in the world,
But you’re here with me,
That’s good for ego,
Me and my ego,
And it go wherever we go,
My ego is my imaginary friend,
He was with me when I was only imagining,
I had dreams of the league,
One day I play Kobe,
I walk up the puff and he already know me,
Coulda let the dream killers, kill my self esteem,
Or use the arrogance as a steam that power my dreams,
And my ego,

It’s on baby, let’s get lost,
You don’t need to call into work ’cause you’re the boss,
For real, want you to show me how you feel,
I consider myself lucky, that’s a big deal,
Why? Well, you got the key to my heart,
But you ain’t gonna need it, I’d rather you open up my body,
And show me secrets, you didn’t know was inside,
No need for me to lie,

It’s too big, it’s too wide,
It’s too strong, it won’t fit,
It’s too much, it’s too tough,
He talk like this ’cause he can back it up,
He got a big ego, such a huge ego,
I love his big ego, it’s too much,
He walk like this ’cause he can back it up,

1994.

Kings and Queens.

unkindness of ravens.

Today I have the opposite of writers block. I have verbal vomit. I don’t even know where to start. 

1. Kanye West is good. “808’s and Heartbreak” is probably one of the best CD’s in years, original, new and both musically and lyrically intelligent. His rant at the VMA’s was not even that bad, he just what a lot of everyone else was thinking. I don’t understand why he isn’t allowed to say what he wants. Doesn’t America have freedom of speech? Let it go. Fuck. 

2. Tonight I was kicked our of the basketball stadium and it was probably the least confrontation I have had with a player or a referee all year that led to it. I let it go because we are in the finals next week. Emilee asked the ref why I was kicked out and his response featured “I don’t know, I didn’t really see” “I should have just given him an unsportsmanlike foul but I have had a bad day” ARE YOU SERIOUS? You can’t just do that. The worst part is if I was to complain officially they would look up my track record and probably just throw my feedback out without any consequences. Good news is Kahunas didn’t finish in the top 4. Unlucky. Everyone come watch me in finals. 

3. You’re shit and I am sick of you getting away with what ever you want because older married men who haven’t had sex in years think you are attractive. You aren’t. 

4. You are selfish. Have a look around and realise this is the time of your life. This is the summer that you will always remember. You have so many people trying to help and you are showing nothing but your spoilt rotten horrible side back to them. You will see now when everyone turns their back how hard life can be when you are on your own. Maybe I will get a call from you in two years?

They are my rants for the day. Now I have gotten it all out I will be able to sleep. Here are a couple of good things. 

- Shinto/NoWayOut/10 Paces/Risk and Reason December
- 222 days till I go to America
- commission
- The Cosby Show
- new CD’s Jay Z, Brand New, AFI, Raised Fist
- summer approaching 

Goodnight.

Tourist.

This weekend I went to Sydney with my family and Keira. 

We left our house at 5am.

Arrived in Sydney early and went straight to Newtown. Visited Graham and Resist Records. Then found a park and soaked in some NSW sun before going to Janet’s Pies and getting a delicious brunch. 

We caught the double decker train out to Bondi Junction and did some shopping at Westfield. 

Caught the train back into Sydney and walked aimlessly for a while till we finally found our Hotel. We checked in and looked at the views down onto the Darling Harbour. 

Changed clothes and went and did the tourist thing at the bridge and Opera House. We then had dinner at harbour side restaurant and watched the sun set over the bridge (how romantic)

We did a quick city run and got some Haigh’s chocolate and dodged the traffic. 

The next morning we woke up early and had a buffet breakfast then caught the ferry from Darling Harbour, it went underneath the bridge, stopped at Circular Quay, Luna Park and Fort Dennison before reaching our destination of Toronga Zoo. We caught a sky cab to the top of the hill. First animal was the Seals and we caught the Seal show, which was awesome. Straight from the seal show we went to see the bird show. The audience sat in a stand that slightly went up a hill and looked out and saw the skyline of city as well as the Sydney Opera House and the Sydney Harbour Bridge, probably the best view of the whole weekend. The birds were crazy owls flying 5 cms above the crowds head and a vulture from South America with a wing span of 3 metres was the end The vulture was crazy. After the show Keira and I had our photo taken whilst I held Angus the owl. The view in the background looks like a green screen but it is actually real, amazing. After the birds my family had an encounter with the Giraffes. We saw Tigers, Gorillas, Meerkats, Reptiles, THE BABY ELEPHANT and heaps more. Zoo was definitely amazing made me feel bad for a lot of things humans have done and how we are slowly destroying the natural habitat for a lot of animals. After our long day we caught the sky car back down to the ferry and caught the ferry back down to Darling Harbour. We cruised past Kirribili house and the Queens Australian home which was at least three times the size of the prime ministers house. Is an amazing place to live though. 

Got back to our Hotel had a shower and a quick drink in the bar. Pilks and Gemma then came and picked us up and took us out to dinner at Iron Bark in Manly. Was good and Keira got to drive over the bridge. After dinner we went back down to Circular Quay and got an ice cream and walked underneath the Harbour Bridge. The bridge looks biggest from underneath. 

Check out was 10:30 the next morning so we got up and met Uncle Brain for breakfast was good to catch up with him its been about 7 years. We then left to do a couple of last minute things such as Paddy’s market which had about 3457982364286 billion shops too bad they were all the same. Sydney Opera House was our last stop and we did a guided tour. We saw inside the two main stages and learnt all about the history of the building. Was cool to go inside as I have been outside about 10 times. I also have more respect for the architect and the actual building sucks NSW had some shit premiers around that time but. 

Here are some photos. (millions more to come)

on and on.

I’m a mountain that has been moved.
I’m a river that has all dried up.
I’m an ocean nothing floats on.
I’m a sky that nothing wants to fly in.
I’m a sun that doesn’t burn hot.
I’m a moon that never shows its face.
I’m a mouth that doesn’t smile.
I’m a word that no one ever wants to say.

Pilks wants to be me.

get down in the dirt.

I haven’t even left the country yet and I have the travel bug. 

I have so much traveling I want to do with Keira, by myself and with my family. 

I want to go to Africa and watch the animals. 
I want to go to FiJi and lay on the beach. 
I want to go to Japan and soak in the culture. 
I want to go to the vatican and be in awe. 
I want to go to Croatia and meet my family. 
I want to go everywhere.

A little death.

Death was the theme of my dreams last night. First dream was a close mate was dead but we all still hung out together. Every time we bad group photos taken he was not in them. I saw all the group photos of recent times like my birthday and he had been taken out. I woke up thinking for a tiny second it was real. It sucked. Although at least we got to hang out still.

The other dream featured a friend who has passed in real life but in my dream he survived and his cousin passed. He was real weird and awkward with me and I don’t understand what it means.

Death sucks.

hoot.

    

achieved.